We can't go on like this

1996 - He has always been around our family, as kids we all played ball together but as we grew up into our teen years my family moved to another city so it was years that we didn’t see each other. His sister was getting married and I came home for the wedding, we spoke to each other and exchanged numbers. We ended up talking on the phone for several weeks before we got another chance to meet up. I was okay with talking to him on the phone but anything more bothered me a little. You see there was a rumor that he had a relationship with one of my relatives a few years ago and it didn’t end well. Well I guess its not a rumor if I can say that it didn’t end well. Anyway it has been a while and we have been talking on the phone, reminiscing about playing as children, him confessing that he always liked me but I was a little older and he was afraid to say anything. After hearing this confession, I laugh, I laugh because its always a guy who says “I always liked you, I always thought you were so pretty, I thought we would make a nice couple”. Sidebar--- if you thought that, then why in the hell you didn’t say it, what are/were you so afraid of?

We meet up for an evening. At our meeting he is smiling and almost blushing, I question him on this smiling that he is doing and he says “I’m happy to meet up with you finally, I have been wanting to go out with you for a long time but was afraid to approach you”. We continue with our evening and it is going well, we are both enjoying ourselves, I even catch him a few times just watching me. We are preparing to leave each other and he asks for a hug and a kiss……and it is nice. We make plans to see each other again next week, everything on that date is better than the previous date.

Before we know it we are four months into this, but there is still something in me that won't commit to this all the way. Number 18 is, I don’t know the extent of his past relationship with my relative and also I neglected to mention his on-again-off-again relationship with his babymama. But since our first date we have had this chemistry, a chemistry that I really wasn’t expecting from him and since then we have spent the night together several times and it has been great. I have lost almost all my babyweight and it feels good to be picked up by your “boo” during sex. To have him pick you up and pin you to the wall and moan in your ear is oooohhhh…. the sweat…as he is kissing your neck …your mouth…pulling your hair…ooohhmmmyyyy. The way he would hold me after we are done and he hums a song and start to kiss me and this starts all over again. ..oooohh I’m so.

We go on with this relationship for close to a year and I can’t do it anymore, I need a commitment from him…from me. I know I have commitment issues, that is part of the reason that I agreed to this real/fake relationship. After a “great night” together I tell him that this can’t go on, I can’t go on, I do confess to him that I have fallen in love with him but this seeing each other here and there and on the nights that things aren’t going so well with your babymama is not working for me. Plus, I don’t know that I could fully bring him around my family without there being whispers. He doesn’t like this conversation, not at all, but he respects it.

Days go by and we don’t speak, it turns to weeks and to me it feels like someone has put roots on me because I want to call him so bad, I miss him. I start to dial his number and hang up, I want to ride by his house anything just to see him or talk to him. Finally, he calls, I try to remain cool, he wants to meet up, great, its during the day and we won't have any "issues”. He says "take a ride with me", so we go off to the next county, he turns down a road and puts the car in park. He says “take off your clothes” I look around and ask “here?” he nods, I do. He asks, “you haven’t missed me like I missed you?” sitting there naked, I look out of the window and answer “yes”. He gets some firmness in his voice and ask “well why haven’t you called me, I have been to your job just to see you”. He leans in to kiss my ear and tells me to open my door, he comes to my side and he wants “it” here and so we start and it is so good and so wet and he’s so… and I’m trying to look around and make sure no one can see us ..but its blurry…my eyes wont…my eyes wont stay in one spot….i don’t know who can see us…ok stop for a minute so I can make sure no one can see us. Uh uh, I don’t think he cares who sees us. After this outdoor adventure we gather ourselves and make our way back to the city only for me to say “even though I love you and loved that, I still can’t go on like this."